How to write a first message on a BBW dating site

The first message is often the hardest part of online dating. You want to sound interested without sounding like a copy-and-paste line, and warm without coming on too strong. This guide is for plus-size daters and the people who want to date them. It's practical advice, not a script. Published by the BBW Temptation team, 8 November 2026.

Read the profile first

A good first message starts before you type a word. Read the whole profile: the bio, the photo captions, what they're looking for and what they say they're into. Then pick one specific detail that genuinely interests you. A hiking photo, a favourite book, a dog, a city they love, a joke in their bio: any of these gives you something real to talk about.

Mentioning a detail shows you paid attention. It also gives the other person an easy way to answer, because you're asking about something they chose to share.

Keep it short, with one easy question

Two or three sentences is plenty. Say hello, mention the detail, and ask one question that's simple to answer. Avoid a list of questions, which can feel like an interview, and avoid long paragraphs about yourself before they've replied. You'll have time for that once the conversation gets going.

Open questions work better than yes-or-no ones. "Do you like travelling?" invites a one-word reply. "What's the best place you've been this year?" invites a story.

Compliment choices, not just looks

BBW describes who someone is attracted to or how they describe themselves. It isn't the whole person. A first message that's only about someone's body can feel like you've reduced them to one feature, however kindly it's meant.

Compliments land best when they're about something the person chose: their style, their sense of humour, a photo they clearly enjoyed taking, the way they write. If you want to say they look great, keep it light and general, and pair it with something about who they are.

Match the tone of their profile

Some people are here for something lasting, some for something casual, and some aren't sure yet. Take your cue from what they've written. If their profile is playful, a bit of humour fits. If it's thoughtful, a more considered message will feel right. If they say they want to take things slowly, respect that from the first line. Flirting is fine when it matches the mood they've set; sexual comments in a first message, when nothing in the conversation has invited them, are not.

Example first messages

These are made-up examples written for this guide, based on imaginary profiles. They're not real messages from members. Use them as a starting point and put them in your own words.

• Their profile mentions hiking: "Hi! That photo on the ridge looks amazing. Where was it taken, and is it a walk you'd recommend for a beginner?"
• They list a favourite author: "Hello, I noticed you love Terry Pratchett. Which book would you give to someone who's never read him?"
• They have a dog in their photos: "Hi there, your dog looks like excellent company. What's their name, and who's really in charge at home?"
• They say they love cooking: "Hi! You mentioned you cook a lot. What's the dish you make when you want to impress yourself?"
• Their bio is funny: "Your bio made me laugh, especially the bit about Monday mornings. Are you a coffee person or a tea person when it gets that bad?"
• They want to take things slowly: "Hi, I liked how honest your profile is. No rush at all, but I'd love to hear what a perfect lazy Sunday looks like for you."
• They mention live music: "Hello! I saw you're into live music. What's the best gig you've been to, and would you go again?"
• They've just moved to a new city: "Hi, welcome to the city! Have you found a favourite spot yet, or are you still exploring?"

What to avoid

• Opening with comments about their weight, size or body parts, or treating their body as a fetish.
• Stereotypes or assumptions, like what they eat, how confident they must be, or that they should feel lucky to get a message.
• Sexual messages or photos nobody asked for.
• The same generic line sent to everyone, such as a lone "hey" or "you're cute".
• Asking for their phone number, social media or address in the first message.
• Negativity about other people, past dates or other body types.

When the reply is short, or doesn't come

A short reply isn't always a lack of interest. People are busy, tired or simply shy. Answer what they said and ask one more easy question. If the conversation still doesn't take off after a couple of exchanges, it's fine to let it go.

If someone doesn't reply at all, don't send message after message or ask why they're ignoring you. Silence is an answer, and everyone is free to choose who they talk to. Move on kindly; the right conversation usually feels much easier.

Keep your details private at first

It's sensible to keep chatting on the site until you feel comfortable, rather than sharing your phone number, surname, workplace or social media straight away. Be wary of anyone who pushes to move the conversation elsewhere quickly, asks for money, or pressures you for photos. You can stop replying, block and report at any point, and you don't need to explain yourself. Read more about how we help keep you safe.

From first message to first date

Once you're both enjoying the conversation, it's natural to suggest a video call or a meeting somewhere public. Our guide to your first BBW date covers how to pick a place that suits you both, how to talk about what you're looking for, and how to make a simple safety plan.

Further reading

The Australian eSafety Commissioner has practical advice on staying safe while online dating. If you're new here, see how BBW Temptation works.